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About This Quiz
If you're taking this quiz, you're probably evil and proud of it. If you're not, don't worry - we have carefully calibrated it to ensure that there will be no false positives. Not all types of evil suit all personalities, and if you're dedicating your life to evil, you should make sure you don't waste your talent on doing the wrong kind. It would be a shame to squander your evildoing potential!
For example, if you are a corporate lawyer at an evil corporation, it's important not to bully your coworkers. Sure, bullying is evil, and we appreciate the effort. But think how much more evil you could accomplish if you were to collaborate with and inspire your coworkers instead. You could make Jane from accounting cry. But picture a highly-motivated Jane, offshoring profits so the workers don't get a fair cut, or shredding invoices that prove your clients leaked carcinogens into the groundwater of a small Midwestern town.
Similarly, if you are short on money, connections, or dark superpowers, you should probably focus your evil on the people you meet day-to-day. You're never going to have your hollowed-out volcano, so it's time to be realistic and focus on what you can control. You can't make California fall into the sea like Lex Luthor. Maybe you CAN make Jenny in your yoga class feel insecure about her looks until she stops coming, thus robbing her of a hobby she loves and reducing the total of joy in the world. To borrow a phrase from showbiz, there is no small evil, only small villains.
Fortunately, we've constructed this quiz to help you identify where your evil self can shine. Let's get started!
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You find a wallet on the street with an ID, address and $1,000. What do you do?
Keep the cash; toss the wallet.
Keep the cash; send back the wallet. I really need money right now.
Return it intact. Enjoy the photo op with the grateful recipient. Now they owe me.
Take any DNA from the ID and use it to grow an evil twin of the owner. Send the twin to destroy the owner and take their place.
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Have you ever intentionally made someone cry?
Yes! God, it felt good.
No, but I have made a lot of people cry.
Of course not. As Confucius said, you don't use a cannon to kill a mosquito.
Only minions who had really annoyed me
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Where is your ideal place to live?
In the 'burbs, near a good school
Some nice apartment in the city
Penthouse, beach house or huge ranch
Hollowed-out volcano, obviously
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What sort of minions would you like to have?
I work alone.
I don't want minions, thanks. I'm really not a bad person.
Thousands of employees who all think I'm the bee's knees.
The usual mix - a few henchmen, a hacker, a beautiful vixen who seduces spies, etc.
Brooksfilms
Robin Hood: champion or chump?
Chump
Champion
Genius. He was a terrorist, but everyone loved him because he gave them a small cut.
A little of both
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How do you feel about the law?
It's dumb and annoying.
Fear of it is the only reason I'm not in jail.
It's a very useful evil instrument.
The law is really just guidelines, when you think about it.
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Do you tend to plan your evil far in advance?
No, I'm spontaneously evil.
No, I don't think about it at all until after I've done it.
Of course. Complexity takes time.
Yes. I needed to make billions of dollars first to buy my island.
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Your friend has gotten a promotion! How do you ruin it for her?
Note how she's already abandoning her children
Point out the increased hours and stress
I don't. Friends in high places are part of my evil plan.
I expose her evil deeds and get her fired. Everyone has some.
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How do you conceal your evil nature?
Backhanded compliments
I'm really not that evil!
Ostentatiously public philanthropy
Secret identity
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Is there anyone you would never target with your evil?
I used to think so, but manipulating loved ones is just so fun.
No, despite my best efforts, I am an equal opportunity offender.
Anyone I might need in the future
Anyone who doesn't deserve it
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Have you ever received blowback for your evil?
Not really
Yes, I lose friends all the time.
Yes, but I hired a PR firm, and it went away.
Yes, just as I planned
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What is the primary upside of being evil?
I get to cut smug people down to size.
There isn't one.
The money is very good.
I get to set my own hours.
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How would you characterize your maniacal laugh?
Soft and sweet
Guilty chuckle
I don't have an evil laugh. I don't laugh at all, actually.
Loud Homeric cachinnation
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What do you like to wear in order to do evil?
Something cutesy so they don't see me coming
Whatever I have on
Pinstriped suit, obviously
Supersuit, obviously
WikiCommons
A sweet little girl comes to your door selling cookies for the Girl Scouts. What happens next?
I make her cry because I can.
I buy them, eat them, then tweet angrily about how much I hate the Girl Scouts.
I buy loads of cookies and thank the sweet little girl. Great photo op.
I hire her. She got to my island past all my guards. She's obviously a badass.
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What percentage of the people you encounter are aware that you are evil?
25%
70%
Probably half
80%
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What power do you possess that helps you get your evil on?
I can cry on command.
I don't have any powers.
I am very rich.
I can read minds.
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How do you feel after a hard day of doing evil?
Contented
Terrible
Rich and powerful
Morally justified
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What life event made you aspire to be evil?
My parents didn't love me, and I was bullied at school.
I think I was born this way.
My parents were evil, so it was sort of assumed that I would be evil.
A corrupt cop killed my dog and a corrupt judge let him off.
Marvel Studios
Which fictional or supernatural evil figure do you particularly admire?
Becky Sharp from "Vanity Fair"
Joker
Satan
Thanos
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Do you have a partner in crime?
I did, but they only held me back.
Nope
Yes, mostly family
Just minions, mostly
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Someone is mad at you for being evil, and you are a little afraid. Who could possibly inspire this reaction?
My boo
My parents
Activist shareholders, but not the usual pro-evil kind
A superhero of some sort
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Who is most likely to be able to put a stop to your evil?
My family
Me
The people
The law
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What sort of evil pet do you keep as a companion?
Bird, to make me seem normal
I can't keep a pet alive.
Cat, obviously
I hate all animals.
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What could make you consider not being evil any more?
If I had therapy and resolved my issues, in theory, I'd stop.
It's costing me a lot, so probably that'll reach a tipping point someday.
If being good was more profitable, I'd be willing to consider it.
Nothing. This is who I am.
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All evil requires is for good people to fail to act. What ensures that people will fail to act around you?
I'm very manipulative and make them feel guilty for calling me out.
I can be unbelievably mean and go off at a moment's notice, so they are scared of me.
I'm very rich and I have very good lawyers.
They don't believe I exist.
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When you meet someone else who is evil, how do you feel about that?
I feel apprehensive. What if they out my evil methods and thus reduce my efficiency? That'd be just like an evil person.
I feel guilty because it's like looking in a mirror.
I see either a rival or an ally, depending on the person.
I tip my hat and hope we can agree to avoid one another.
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Many evil people believe they are the good guy. How do you rationalize your evil?
I'm not hurting anyone physically.
I can't help myself.
I endowed some libraries and I go to church a lot.
Society is corrupt and must be torn down so it can be rebuilt.
By U.S. Navy photo by Photographer's Mate 1st Class Bart Bauer, via Wikimedia Commons
A journalist has discovered your evil doings! How do you destroy their credibility before they publish?
I turn it around and ask questions about them.
I don't know! I guess I'm screwed now.
I blackmail them, and if that doesn't work, I leak something about one of my enemies to push the story out of the news.
I give them an interview. I don't care if people know.
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Who is your real life evil role model?
Martha Stewart. She's not actually evil, but the toolkit she offers is very easily adapted to doing evil.
Lindsay Lohan. She's not evil, but when I use her as a role model, I have an evil impact.
The Koch Brothers. They're just so good at it.
Vladimir Putin
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