What's Your Ancient Warrior Name?

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
4 min
What's Your Ancient Warrior Name?
Image: Lorado/E+/Getty Images

About This Quiz

Ask any Viking: a good nom de guerre will inscribe you into legend just as surely as subduing an ice giant. Ancient warriors didn't have Instagram feeds or Twitter handles, they had the poets. Poets would sing songs of ancient warriors, both heroes and villains, and spread word of their deeds far and wide. Homer alone is responsible for most of Greek myth's characters' reputations, and Homer was hardly alone in his profession.

Some ancient warriors took their names from a physical descriptor, not unlike the pirate Blackbeard, while others simply went by a single name, like Sting, Cher or Prince.

Most ancient warriors are known primarily from their specific deeds. Theseus was known for dealing with the Minotaur, Hercules for his the twelve labors, Achilles for the war with Troy. Some ancient warriors' named became so widely known, their stories and their names became synonymous, as with Odysseus, whose name came to adorn his story, the Odyssey, and in turn, became a word unto itself.

What name would your greatest deeds earn you? Would you have a title, like the Khan of Khans, or would your name have a Norse flavor, like Ivor The Boneless, or Bluetooth, the namesake of the wireless protocol? Answer this quiz and we will give you your ancient warrior name!

What does it take for you to roll up your sleeves?
I've always got them rolled up.
I don't like to do that because I get cold easily.
Word of blasphemy.
Any day of the month that is a prime number.
How good are you at your day job?
I'm the best there is at what I do.
I've been voted cleanest cubicle three years in a row!
There's no real way of measuring that in my business.
It's not about being "good" at it, it's about being "ferplunked" at it.
How religious are you?
Not at all. Waste of time.
I go to my church on the high holidays.
Very
I'm more spiritual than religious.

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What kind of shoes do you typically wear to work?
Biker boots
Penny loafers with tassels
I work in bare feet.
Clown shoes
How dangerously do you like to live?
I ride a motorcycle without a helmet.
Sometimes I go to restaurants without looking up reviews online.
I don't always remember to pray before I go to bed.
I'm on the pre-fire paleo diet. You eat uncooked meat.
How strong is your warrior spirit?
Very strong!
I don't even know what warrior spirit is.
If I'm motivated.
It's as strong as my post-workout body odor.

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How strongly do you believe in good and evil?
I don't care much about that.
I guess they exist.
Very strongly!
I think about what those words mean a lot.
How do you say "hello"?
Hey, you!
Umm... excuse me, if you don't mind... er...
Hi.
Greetings and salutations! Hail, stranger!
How do you keep fit?
I pump iron.
I have a very stiff stapler.
I do yoga.
I freeclimb.

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How would your best friends describe your personality in one word?
Callous
Meek
Zealous
Strange
What kind of fantasy genre character do you admire the most?
Barbarians
Politicians
Paladins
Rangers
What is your workspace like?
It's a construction site.
It's a nice, clean cubicle.
It's got a great vibe, with nice incense.
My desk is in a swimming pool.

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How does your boss feel about you?
I'm my boss's right hand when things get rough.
My boss doesn't know I exist.
My boss knows better than to cross me.
I'm my own boss.
How do your subordinates feel about you?
They respect me.
They walk all over me.
They look up to me.
I don't have any.
What field do you work in?
Manual labor
I'm an office drone.
The arts
I run a startup.

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What is your dream job location?
Southern California
New York City
Rome
The moon
What is your favorite sport?
MMA
Chess
Golf
Pool
What was your best subject in school?
P.E.
Math
Social Studies
Art class

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Assuming you went to university, what was your degree in?
Liberal Arts
Computer Science
Comparative Religion
Abstract Theory of Dead Languages
How important do you feel education is to being a good warrior?
Who needs it?
It's the most important thing!
It can be important, depending on the war.
I'll just wing it!
What general do you most admire?
Sherman
The Attorney General
Charles Martel
Alexander The Great

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What is your favorite war movie?
"Fury"
"Saving Private Ryan"
"Solomon Kane"
"The Imitation Game"
What is your favorite sword and sandal movie?
"Conan The Barbarian"
"The Last Temptation of Christ"
"Kingdom of Heaven"
"Gladiator"
What kind of music do you listen to in order to get pumped up?
Metallica!
Mozart
P.O.D.
Pink Floyd

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What weapon sounds the most appealing to you?
A morning star
My wits!
A pike
A kasurigama
How many fights have you been in?
I've lost count.
None
One
A handful
What would it take for you to fight a total stranger?
Two rounds of beer
They'd have to be a threat to my nation.
A personal insult to my family
A roll of the dice

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How do you feel about religion in general?
It's not for me.
It's scary.
It's awesome!
I'm the god of my own religion.
What kind of shirt do you wear at work?
Denim
A white dress shirt
A colorful dress shirt
A tank top
How do you get around?
A motorcycle
I ride by folding bike.
I drive.
A child's tricycle

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You Got: